i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
