**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
