cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize