I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
