the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
