I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
