dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
