I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
