just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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