your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
