we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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