I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
