I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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