So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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