We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
