I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
