Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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