So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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