Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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