I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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