i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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