A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My legs feel like baby dolphins
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Randomize
