Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
