The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
