filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
