Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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