I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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