Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
