I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
the condom got lost in my hair
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
