Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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