If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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