The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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