There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
