I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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