If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
