I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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