I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
