she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
im six kinds of drunk right now
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
