1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
did i just pee glitter
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
