and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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