my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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