Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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