I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
