he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
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