My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
