i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I think my fart just growled at me.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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