atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
