I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
