apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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