guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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