now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
