I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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