You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
