Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
