he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
