I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
My liver just had a heart attack.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
