I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
